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Veins Full of Steak Sauce

My brother is finally returning home from Japan next Monday (on the 30th).  I was thinking about grilling or having some type of get-together the following Monday (Labor Day), but then I remembered…my brother is a vegetarian (except for the rare occasion when there’s fish).  If my memory is correct, he hasn’t eaten red meat or chicken in almost 2 decades.  I’m still not sure of my brother’s reason years ago for avoiding meat.  Our family just never really questioned it.  We would have dinner at Thanksgiving, for example, and just remember to cook something extra (like shrimp) for Deon. 

Just now, I wondered if I could be a vegetarian…then after about 17 seconds of deep contemplation, I concluded that it just ain’t happening. 

Some folks claim to be vegetarians because they just can’t bear to eat a living being.  For those vegetarians who say they just couldn’t eat a living thing…aren’t plants living things???  I remember a science teacher explaining that eating an apple is analogous to eating the tree’s ovaries.  I don’t know how accurate that is (I eventually majored in poetry), but just thinking about it that way makes me want to go eat a bacon cheeseburger.

For those vegetarians who refuse to eat anything with a face…well I’m confused as to why some body parts of living things become more important than others (take, for instance, the previously mentioned appletree-ovary comment above).  I mean…I like a pretty face as much as the next guy…but I also like a pretty set of ovaries as well…and I dont’ discriminate based on body parts (so THERE, vegetarians!)

For those dairy-avoiding, all-plant-eating, no-leather-shoe-wearing, clothes-made-outta-organically-grown-cotton-wearing, “honeyless granola”-crunching extremists known as vegans…I actually love you all.  Vegans have a moral, ethical, and/or philosophical conviction that most of us carnivores lack.  You can’t just be a vegan half-ass…if you call yourself a vegan, you have to be a full-ass vegan, and that’s admirable.  (But keep in mind that I won’t come visit you if you refuse to kill roaches in your house because they’re living creatures.  And tofu sucks.  And some of y’all could use some make-up.  And Morningstar veggie-burger patties are packaged in containers that were made in box factories that produce toxins that are dangerous to people and plants and butterflies and the air and puppies.  I’m just saying…)

If I permanently got rid of Lady Gaga and I was put on death row, my last meal would be Macallan 12 with a nicely-marbled rib eye accompanied by some A1 Steak Sauce.  (If any of you students on the CHC student senate are reading this, your task this year should be working to have A1 Steak Sauce dispensed from the campus water fountains.)  And all you single ladies out there…do you want to attract a real man?  Well, do you?  Forget spraying yourself with all those fruits and flower fragrances from Bath & Body Works (what exactly is a Midnight Pomegranate anyway, and how different does it smell compared to a mid-afternoon pomegranate?)  Just dab a couple drops of A1 behind your ears.  Trust me…guys will fight each other to get next to your intoxicating aroma.  If you want to attract ants, douse yourself with Brown Sugar & Fig body spray…if you want to attract men, get the A1 sauce.

And for all of you vegetarians who avoid meat for “health reasons”…let me remind you of the wise words of the late great Redd Foxx:  “Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.”


One comment on “Veins Full of Steak Sauce

  1. graymedium
    August 22, 2010

    I happen to love tofu… though it has no taste by itself! I guess, I love the green onions and sauce on it!
    And truthfully, most veggie patties taste like s%&t!
    Fresh veggies for me, thanks!

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